Miss Magnolia Beaumont Goes to Provincetown - FringeNYC

Miss Magnolia Beaumont Goes to Provinctown - FringeNYC

Tenet #13 from 101 Tenets for Ladies and Gentlemen: A Southern Guide to Good Behavior

Tenet #13: Ladies and Gentlemen should not engage in rude or foul discourse.

My specific intention behind this tenet is not what one might expect. One may suppose that I object to rude or foul discourse because of the vulgarity of the vocabulary used in such exchanges. Or perhaps my objection might be to the sounds of the words themselves, the way the hard constants and tambour of the voice play a chord offensive to the ears.

However, my real objection is that profanity, quite simply put, is lazy. As a lover of the English language, of which the reader must certainly be aware, I consider profanity to be a short cut, an easy and effortless way to get to the point. In metaphor, profanity is tromping haphazardly through the stream rather than taking the path alongside and crossing gracefully by bridge.

If one has cause to make such utterance of emotion and opinion, one should earn the right to such exclamation by tailoring the statement with purposeful grace, using wit and poetry to shape the speech. If one holds one's own opinion in such regard, it should be expressed with such respect. And if one finds themselves taken with emotion strong enough to illicit profane statements, restraint and self control speak highly of one's character.

On this topic, I feel strongly. Thus, I have chosen my words carefully and formulated my thoughts so as not to be rash or offensive with my words. I choose to lead by example.

Yours,

Miss Magnolia Beatrice Devareux Beaumont, Debutante

Tenet #17 from 101 Tenets for Ladies and Gentlemen: A Southern Guide to Good Behavior

Tenet #17: When a lady finds herself in a compromising position, she should hold tight to her dignity. In the end, it may be all she has.

This particular tennet is one which confronts me on a regular basis. Not that I am the type of lady who would voluntarily put herself in a compromising position. But being the spirit of a Southern debutante trapped in the body of a homosexual man, one has little choice in the matter.

The term "compromising position" can refer to a number of unsavory circumstances in which one might find oneself. However, for my purposes, I refer to those circumstances which would call into question the appropriateness of one's behavior. It is not the circumstances themselves, but the behavior itself which may draw such judgment.

For instance, I can hardly be at fault for finding myself, securely bound within the body of my host Master Joseph, stumbling through streets of a dingy little part of town known as East Village at the end of a long evening of cavorting at the local saloon. (I should clarify that in this East Village several local saloons can be passed on the walk to underground railway which Master Joseph rides to his own township called the Queens.) And I can hardly be responsible for stopping to talk with any random man who may be out walking a tiny dog in the evening. It is not the fact that I am on the street at an hour which is far past appropriate trying to make a thinly veiled attempt to return to this man's apartment with him, which brings my character into question. Such attempts always ends in a lonely walk to the underground train station anyway. It is, rather, my attitude toward being in such a situation which confirms my position as a lady of society. I remain focused on the positive aspects of the situation, such as the chance encounter with a smaller than normal household pet. I remind myself that this is not my body, and whatever Master Joseph wishes to do with it is his concern, which usually ends up being something that will go unmentioned here but involves the several workout magazines stored beside the commode.

And there you have it. I can think of no more compromising position than my current one, yet I stand resolute in my principles and remain the lady I am known to be. So should you practice the strength and courage to behave likewise, should you find yourself in compromising positions of your own.

Yours,

Miss Magnolia Beatrice Devareux Beaumont, Debutante

Tenet #7 from 101 Tenets for Ladies and Gentlemen: A Southern Guide to Good Behavior

Tenet #7: No matter what the circumstances, a lady must always consider her reputation.

Truly one of the most important tenets one can keep at the forefront of their consciousness.

"What is the value of reputation?" one may ask. When I needed to define something for myself back on my plantation home, it was simple enough to run to my father, sit upon his knee, and ask him to define whatever unknown term may be on my mind. That is, if he was not already occupied with Charles, his personal valet. Often in the afternoon, my father and Charles would retire into the study, shut the doors, and occupy themselves into the early evening; so my father was certainly a well-studied man.

Nowadays, however, in this modern world where information swirls at the fingertips of anyone carrying something called a "smart telephone," defining uncertain terms is as easy as typing the word itself into something called the "Google." The "Google", apparently, leads one to an entity by the name of "Wikipedia," which defines the term "reputation" thusly: "the opinion (more technically, a social evaluation) of the group of entities toward a person, or a group of people, based on a certain criterion. It is an important factor in many fields, such as education, business and social status."

Certainly this Mr. Wikipedia is as well spoken as Mr. Webster himself. And certainly both would value this social evaluation of themselves, further strengthening my resolve on the topic of reputation. After all, surely what others think of us must be of the utmost importance in this world, regardless of from what era one may come. One must continually consider how one comes across to those around them, no matter what the level of familiarity. Whether they be close personal friend or intriguing stranger, one must consistently gauge how one may be perceived. This awareness will allow true ladies and gentlemen to present themselves as such.

Yours,

Miss Magnolia Beatrice Devareux Beaumont, Debutante

Tenet #26 from 101 Tenets for Ladies and Gentlemen: A Southern Guide to Good Behavior

Tenet #26: Ladies and Gentlemen should spend their time and attention on the art of expressing themselves with candor and grace.

As Master Joseph and I prepare for our upcoming appearance at the Studio @ Cherry Lane Theatre this summer, we are reminded of this most important tenet in our cohesive collection of rules to guide our behavior. One may wonder when I, a simple Southern debutante of privileged upbringing who has died before her time and come to be trapped in the body of a homosexual man living in New York City, have the opportunity to compile my list of tenets. I recite them to myself in my spare time, of which I seem to have an abundance.

Master Joseph has not had the opportunity as of yet to benefit from a study of my tenets for proper behavior; many of the opportunities I take to recite them occur when he is occupied with something I would not deem appropriate, such as the drinking of liquor or the cavorting with other "gentlemen." He has scheduled a holiday for us: three nights stay in a place called Provincetown, Massachusetts. This town is in a land called New England, a place I had only heard tell of in my day. And though I have never been to this town (which Master Joseph so flippantly refers to as "P-Town"), it does sound like a town in which I may feel right at home. I fear, however, what Master Joseph's intentions may be. Hopefully, the temptation of liquor and cavorting will not be an issue in such a place.

Though I do not know how, I hope at some point Master Joseph will have the chance to be exposed to some of my deeper wisdom and begin to learn the value of proper conduct. Until that day, I will continue to recite my tenets to myself. I may be little more than a spirit now, a ghost of my former lovely self, forced to silently witness this unfamiliar era through the eyes of someone fraught with qualities that are quite foreign to me, but I will not let that drain the will out of me to maintain myself as a proper member of society. I will hold to that for eternity.

Yours,

Miss Magnolia Beatrice Devareux Beaumont, Debutante